Prime Minister labels labour revelation a laborious labyrinth of lies.

As David Cameron took to the podium to address his Conservative party, there must have been a certain feeling of dread, of anxiety, of shame, of "oh shit".

The reason for his consternation? Five days ago the Daily Mirror, a Labour-supporting British newspaper, leaked the story that David Cameron's father, Ian Donald Cameron, was an active supporter of the Labour party and had donated substantial sums of money to the party's political cause. Though his father's political ideology wouldn't ordinarily have been too detrimental to Cameron's leadership of the Tories, it does of course contradict the Prime Minister's claim at the last election that "all my family have been Conservatives since the party was created; even before then they all probably shared Conservative values. My great-great uncle's memoirs were called 'Labour can suck it'.

So, as he stood to address his Tory peers, one could understand the sense of impending doom that was beginning to cloud over his reign as Prime Minister. Before the address, a Tory- who requested anonymity- said there was a feeling of "general disgust and betrayal" amongst the party and the general consensus of David Cameron had changed from "punctilious overseer" to "veritable fibster", such was the revulsion stirred by his political heritage.

"Ladies and gentleman of the Conservative party", Cameron began, a cascade of sweat dripping down his reddened forehead. "I am here today to categorically refute any claims that I was consciously aware that my father was a member of the Labour party. I am, as I'm sure all of you are, horrified and ashamed. Horrified that I have led you with false pretence, ashamed that I share the same genes as my filthy socialist progenitor."

At this point it seemed his audience were beginning to relent in their initial anger- and then the game changed. Interrupting Cameron's impassioned speech came a man who trotted up to the Prime Minister with urgency, but maintained the gait of a true Conservative stalwart. As this portly man whispered into David Cameron's blazing ears, the supposed Labour-by-birth leader turned a ghastly shade of white, as though to mimic a cartoon ghost. Save for the colouring of his air, one could have mistaken the Prime Minister for a well-dressed albino as his red eyes appeared to confirm such a belief.

What David Cameron had heard was worse. Far worse.

"I'm sorry." His voice sputtered and stuttered, his tie a noose, the whispering man his executioner. "I have just been informed that the story revealing my father to be a Labour supporter was false." Gasps of relief were collectively exhaled by the audience. But that was not all.

"No," Cameron continued after a moment. "It appears the story was mistranslated; my father was, in fact..." Expectant eyes and ears waited for the end of the sentence. An eternity passed, it seemed.
"My father was... a labourer. From the North."

There it was. The bombshell. The expose. It has been claimed as many as five members of the Tories present fainted immediately, while one woman tried to kill herself by repeatedly slamming a copy of the 'Conservative Manifesto' against her head. An enraged male member shouted, "Your blood is tainted. Tainted I tell thee!" Cameron quickly rushed from the stage, his sweat replaced with a profuse gushing of tears.

The room descended into chaos; some adopted the foetal position- perhaps as an instinctual, maternal protectional response, or perhaps wishing they could return to pre-consciousness and avoid the atrocity that had befallen them; some cursed the heavens with expletives that had been removed from the English language, such was there crassness; some simply stared ahead with a look that would have induced the sympathy of even the most battle-hardened war veteran.

While the madness ensued amongst the Tories, various news outlets began to feed the new information that had rocked the party to its core. It was revealed that the anonymous tipster who had divulged the information about David Cameron's father had a difficult speech impediment that made comprehension of his words difficult, which resulted in the confusion of meaning.

As it turned out, Ian Donald Cameron was a labourer in a small, Northern town called Brumley, and was originally called just Ian Donald. A somewhat 'jack-of-all-trades' he would earn money repairing and building whatever was requested, whether fixing a door handle or constructing a shed, Ian was Brumley's go-to man. When not on the job, Ian frequented the local pub, 'The Fox's Cock', and was reportedly an enthusiastic, but amiable, drunkard, who would agree to jobs in the evening and forget them in the morning.

The Fox's Cock's landlord and owner, Bill Grundy, a childless widower, left all of his money to Ian Donald, a sum of five million pounds, the origins of which cannot be traced, although some believe he might have made his wealth whilst living in Germany working for the German Workers' Party in the 1930s. Taking Grundy's money and his advice, "Don't become a Jew", Ian Donald moved to the South of England, adopted Cameron as his surname and became a stockbroker.

David Cameron has expressed his belief that this might be an "elaborate lie manufactured by one of my political rivals" and that he will have his DNA tested for signs of being a proletariat.

How will this affect David Cameron's tenure as Prime Minister? Can he move on? A Tory leader the son of a Northern, labourer? This publication is thinking no.