Scientists at NASA have today confirmed long-held suspicions that the Earth might be destroyed within the next one billion years.
The spokesman for the scientists affirmed that it was a matter of "could" and not "would", and the destruction of the Earth remained a "50/50 possibility".
"Like all predictions in the future we're pretty much just hedging our bets. I mean, it's not like anybody alive today will be here in a billion years anyway. To be honest, we could pretty much say anything. Here's another for you: there's a chance aliens will invade in the year 3093."
Head of the Doomsday Society, John Long, said this was the news his group had been waiting for and "years of mocking have been finally vindicated".
NASA refused to commit to an exact cause of Earth's destruction within the next billion years, simply stating, "It could be an asteroid, climate change, solar flares, God... Anything's possible."
Sales of nuclear bunkers and tinned beans have skyrocketed in light of the news.
Wednesday, 27 February 2013
Tuesday, 26 February 2013
Oprah: I hate dogs.
Talk-show host and entrepreneur Oprah Winfrey has revealed on her website that she despises canines, calling them "filthy, four-legged, tail-wagging bastards".
A national treasure, Oprah is famous for her benevolence and charitable giving, and often provides guests on her show with extravagant gifts and prizes. She has donated millions to various charitable organisations so her hatred of dogs might come as a surprise to some people.
Taking to her website to vent her vehement dislike of dogs, Oprah wrote: "Here it is; I hate dogs. Always have done, always will. I try and boot as many dogs in a day as I possibly can. I literally go out of my way to smack a dog. There's this one particular mangy bugger near my house, always sniffing around, peeing on my doorstep, I go at it most mornings."
Though quite candid about her violence towards dogs, Oprah was keen to reassure her fans she never goes as far as actually killing any animal, saying "corporal punishment is okay, capital punishment goes against my beliefs, though."
While she is clearly not a fan of dogs, Oprah could not help but wax lyrical about rabbits.
"I love my rabbit; I keep it with me at all times. In my bedroom, in my dressing room- I sometimes carry it in my bag. I'd say my rabbit is probably my best friend."
Her adoration of the rabbit species seemed to be strangely contradicted hen she finished her post saying, "I hate pretty much any animal".
PETA still maintains that Oprah is a an honorary member of the organisation and that some animals "do deserve a good kicking".
Jack Nicholson vs Daniel Day Lewis: Round One!
Jack Nicholson, dressed head to toe in bling and sports apparel, last night fired off a warning to Daniel Day Lewis via a video on YouTube.
In the video, which is 35 minutes long, 33 of which consist of the elderly Nicholson taking a nap, Nicholson takes a shot at Daniel Day Lewis' Oscar win saying he "only won it 'cause you were playing a gay guy, y'hear me?" Nicholson is referring to the persistent speculation that Abraham Lincoln was a homosexual, a theme that was not intimated in the biopic.
There are rumours that Nicholson is annoyed that Day Lewis became the first male actor to win the Best Actor award three time, while he has only won it twice despite being nominated eight times.
"So, you've played a disabled person, a black person and now a gay person, and because of that you win three Oscars? That's bullshit, man." Although most of Nicholson diatribe is nonsensical, and some of it spoken in what experts believe to be an ancient Cherokee language, the "black person" he refers to is assumed to be Daniel Day Lewis' character in 'There Will Be Blood', whom in one scene has his face blackened with oil. His publicist quickly dispelled any cries of racism saying, "Look at the clothes he's wearing in the video. They're black guy clothes. Plus, Mr. Nicholson loves Basketball."
But after trying to diminish Day Lewis' achievements, Nicholson then resorted to more violent provocations, threatening to "put my left foot up your goddamn ass", stating "there will be blood- if I see you in the street" and then insinuated a more murderous plan saying, "I heard you method acted for Lincoln, well I'mma method act as John Wilkes Booth, and I know you know what that means. Pop, pop, biatch." Towards the end of the latter sentence Nicholson, rather menacingly, produced a toy water gun and fired some water into his eye which caused him some discomfort.
After waking up from his nap there appeared to be no relent in Nicholson's animosity as he mumbled "tomorrow's paper's headline: Daniel Day Lewis Dead" after which the screen goes black.
Police are not treating the video as a serious threat yet, claiming that Jack Nicholson is well-known within the entertainment industry for his aggressive demeanour towards fellow entertainers and once threatened to "shave Justin Bieber's head" for which he was cautioned.
Daniel Day Lewis posted a single paragraph in the Los Angeles Times today offering to "lend Jack my Oscar if it makes him feel better. Senility is a terrible disease."
To be continued.
In the video, which is 35 minutes long, 33 of which consist of the elderly Nicholson taking a nap, Nicholson takes a shot at Daniel Day Lewis' Oscar win saying he "only won it 'cause you were playing a gay guy, y'hear me?" Nicholson is referring to the persistent speculation that Abraham Lincoln was a homosexual, a theme that was not intimated in the biopic.
There are rumours that Nicholson is annoyed that Day Lewis became the first male actor to win the Best Actor award three time, while he has only won it twice despite being nominated eight times.
"So, you've played a disabled person, a black person and now a gay person, and because of that you win three Oscars? That's bullshit, man." Although most of Nicholson diatribe is nonsensical, and some of it spoken in what experts believe to be an ancient Cherokee language, the "black person" he refers to is assumed to be Daniel Day Lewis' character in 'There Will Be Blood', whom in one scene has his face blackened with oil. His publicist quickly dispelled any cries of racism saying, "Look at the clothes he's wearing in the video. They're black guy clothes. Plus, Mr. Nicholson loves Basketball."
But after trying to diminish Day Lewis' achievements, Nicholson then resorted to more violent provocations, threatening to "put my left foot up your goddamn ass", stating "there will be blood- if I see you in the street" and then insinuated a more murderous plan saying, "I heard you method acted for Lincoln, well I'mma method act as John Wilkes Booth, and I know you know what that means. Pop, pop, biatch." Towards the end of the latter sentence Nicholson, rather menacingly, produced a toy water gun and fired some water into his eye which caused him some discomfort.
After waking up from his nap there appeared to be no relent in Nicholson's animosity as he mumbled "tomorrow's paper's headline: Daniel Day Lewis Dead" after which the screen goes black.
Police are not treating the video as a serious threat yet, claiming that Jack Nicholson is well-known within the entertainment industry for his aggressive demeanour towards fellow entertainers and once threatened to "shave Justin Bieber's head" for which he was cautioned.
Daniel Day Lewis posted a single paragraph in the Los Angeles Times today offering to "lend Jack my Oscar if it makes him feel better. Senility is a terrible disease."
To be continued.
Playstation War!
After the recent lacklustre response to the announcement of Sony's new Playstation gaming system, the Playstation 4, a North Korean company, PRICK (Proud Ruler's Investment Corporation of Korea) has decided to develop a competing console- the Playstation 5.
The console will mark one of the rare occasions when a North Korean company has tried enter a product into the global market, the majority of which is opposed to North Korea.
PRICK, which belongs solely to the Supreme Leader of North Korea Kim Jong-un, is striving to compete in the console market place after its own domestic effort, the SLAG (Supreme Leader's Amazing Gamer), sold only one system in the country which was bought by Kim Jong-un himself.
Although there were many fans of SLAGs, the general populace felt a SLAG was too expensive relative to their earnings. Because of the disastrous sales of the system, there still remains over 2 million SLAGs in North Korean warehouses. Kim Jong-un refuses to destroy them, or recycle their parts, because he believes the "country isn't ready for a SLAG... yet."
In one of the Supreme Leader's almost bi-hourly appearances on the nation's state television channel- which is also the only channel available in N. Korea- Kim Jong-un asserted his belief that "people will buy the Playstation 5 because 5 is bigger than 4. I wanted to call it the Playstation 6, but apparently that would have been ridiculous."
Because the Dear Leader, as he is affectionately called by himself, had almost 99% of the development team behind the SLAG executed, he has taken it upon himself to design and build the Playstation 5 alone.
Kim Jung-un's PRICK posted information on the console indicating it was created by "the mind of an omnipotent being", would have installed within it "the intelligence of the cleverest man on earth" and was due for release in "2 days to 14 years".
A game developer outside of North Korea was able to attain the specifications of the console and believed it was comparable in technology to a "shoddily made cup-and-ball toy".
Recently PRICK erected a statue outside of its HQ depicting Kim-Jong-un making the Playstation 5 and was described by the state media as the "greatest work of art since the portrait of our Infallible Ruler of Sun and Greatness, which is proudly hung inside the PRICK's HEAD (His Excellency's Advisory Department).
It was believed that Sony would file a copyright infringement suit, but earlier today they released a statement saying "it's not worth the lawyer fees".
The console will mark one of the rare occasions when a North Korean company has tried enter a product into the global market, the majority of which is opposed to North Korea.
PRICK, which belongs solely to the Supreme Leader of North Korea Kim Jong-un, is striving to compete in the console market place after its own domestic effort, the SLAG (Supreme Leader's Amazing Gamer), sold only one system in the country which was bought by Kim Jong-un himself.
Although there were many fans of SLAGs, the general populace felt a SLAG was too expensive relative to their earnings. Because of the disastrous sales of the system, there still remains over 2 million SLAGs in North Korean warehouses. Kim Jong-un refuses to destroy them, or recycle their parts, because he believes the "country isn't ready for a SLAG... yet."
In one of the Supreme Leader's almost bi-hourly appearances on the nation's state television channel- which is also the only channel available in N. Korea- Kim Jong-un asserted his belief that "people will buy the Playstation 5 because 5 is bigger than 4. I wanted to call it the Playstation 6, but apparently that would have been ridiculous."
Because the Dear Leader, as he is affectionately called by himself, had almost 99% of the development team behind the SLAG executed, he has taken it upon himself to design and build the Playstation 5 alone.
Kim Jung-un's PRICK posted information on the console indicating it was created by "the mind of an omnipotent being", would have installed within it "the intelligence of the cleverest man on earth" and was due for release in "2 days to 14 years".
A game developer outside of North Korea was able to attain the specifications of the console and believed it was comparable in technology to a "shoddily made cup-and-ball toy".
Recently PRICK erected a statue outside of its HQ depicting Kim-Jong-un making the Playstation 5 and was described by the state media as the "greatest work of art since the portrait of our Infallible Ruler of Sun and Greatness, which is proudly hung inside the PRICK's HEAD (His Excellency's Advisory Department).
It was believed that Sony would file a copyright infringement suit, but earlier today they released a statement saying "it's not worth the lawyer fees".
Megan Fox Invited to Join Mensa; Asks Why Not Womensa
Actress Megan Fox has sensationally been invited to join Mensa, the most famous high IQ society in the world, after completing an online IQ test and finishing with a score of 170.
The score puts her amongst the world's intelligent elite, surpassed only by savants and people with other mental disorders.
When asked how she feels to be considered one of the most intelligent people in the world and on the same level as Albert Einstein, Fox perceptively replied, "Who?"
Megan Fox initially captivated public attention when appearing on screen in the revered roles of "a sixteen year old girl who is fancied by the forty-something Charlie" on 'Two and a Half Men' and as the eponymous character in 'Jennifer's Body'. In hindsight one can now comprehend the level of intelligibility that was required by the roles and why the genius Fox was the perfect match.
Megan, who can speak two languages, English and American, and is fairly proficient in Canadian, now wishes to extend her linguistic boundaries and attempt to learn the language of the geographically remote Australia.
"Y'know, producers and, like, directors, love it when you have all sorts of skills that you can, like, bring into the film. So, if I learn Australian, it kinda opens up all sorts of new possibilities and roles for me." When asked if she thinks she'll be successful in her new project, the ever modest Fox responded, "Erm, I dunno."
After her public fallout with Michael Bay, and subsequent dropping from the third Transformers film- which ultimately suffered without the sagacious and methodical talent of Fox- it now seems apparent that the director was intimidated by Megan Fox's intelligence. Her comparison of Bay to Hitler now seems a fair comparison considering Hitler was unnerved by the more intelligent Jewish community. When pressed about this intentional historical allusion, Fox was quick to denounce the Nazi regime when saying, "I'm not a Jew." Like all geniuses, Fox's meaning isn't always literal.
We asked Rolf-Dieter Heuer, the General Director at CERN, if there were any job openings at CERN and, if so, would he accept Fox were she to apply. He said, "Although Megan doesn't exhibit the virginal qualities consistent with all the scientists working on the CERN project, she is obviously a genius with that IQ and she would be more than welcome here. She's pretty hot, too."
According to reports, Harvard have already accepted Fox's infant child into their university, in a coup that has left other institutions around the world reeling. Harvard stated the reason was that "he is almost guaranteed to cure cancer and stuff, so we thought we'd draft him in early."
Act fast, or finish last.
The score puts her amongst the world's intelligent elite, surpassed only by savants and people with other mental disorders.
When asked how she feels to be considered one of the most intelligent people in the world and on the same level as Albert Einstein, Fox perceptively replied, "Who?"
Megan Fox initially captivated public attention when appearing on screen in the revered roles of "a sixteen year old girl who is fancied by the forty-something Charlie" on 'Two and a Half Men' and as the eponymous character in 'Jennifer's Body'. In hindsight one can now comprehend the level of intelligibility that was required by the roles and why the genius Fox was the perfect match.
Megan, who can speak two languages, English and American, and is fairly proficient in Canadian, now wishes to extend her linguistic boundaries and attempt to learn the language of the geographically remote Australia.
"Y'know, producers and, like, directors, love it when you have all sorts of skills that you can, like, bring into the film. So, if I learn Australian, it kinda opens up all sorts of new possibilities and roles for me." When asked if she thinks she'll be successful in her new project, the ever modest Fox responded, "Erm, I dunno."
After her public fallout with Michael Bay, and subsequent dropping from the third Transformers film- which ultimately suffered without the sagacious and methodical talent of Fox- it now seems apparent that the director was intimidated by Megan Fox's intelligence. Her comparison of Bay to Hitler now seems a fair comparison considering Hitler was unnerved by the more intelligent Jewish community. When pressed about this intentional historical allusion, Fox was quick to denounce the Nazi regime when saying, "I'm not a Jew." Like all geniuses, Fox's meaning isn't always literal.
We asked Rolf-Dieter Heuer, the General Director at CERN, if there were any job openings at CERN and, if so, would he accept Fox were she to apply. He said, "Although Megan doesn't exhibit the virginal qualities consistent with all the scientists working on the CERN project, she is obviously a genius with that IQ and she would be more than welcome here. She's pretty hot, too."
According to reports, Harvard have already accepted Fox's infant child into their university, in a coup that has left other institutions around the world reeling. Harvard stated the reason was that "he is almost guaranteed to cure cancer and stuff, so we thought we'd draft him in early."
Act fast, or finish last.
Monday, 25 February 2013
Prime Minister labels labour revelation a laborious labyrinth of lies.
As David Cameron took to the podium to address his Conservative party, there must have been a certain feeling of dread, of anxiety, of shame, of "oh shit".
The reason for his consternation? Five days ago the Daily Mirror, a Labour-supporting British newspaper, leaked the story that David Cameron's father, Ian Donald Cameron, was an active supporter of the Labour party and had donated substantial sums of money to the party's political cause. Though his father's political ideology wouldn't ordinarily have been too detrimental to Cameron's leadership of the Tories, it does of course contradict the Prime Minister's claim at the last election that "all my family have been Conservatives since the party was created; even before then they all probably shared Conservative values. My great-great uncle's memoirs were called 'Labour can suck it'.
So, as he stood to address his Tory peers, one could understand the sense of impending doom that was beginning to cloud over his reign as Prime Minister. Before the address, a Tory- who requested anonymity- said there was a feeling of "general disgust and betrayal" amongst the party and the general consensus of David Cameron had changed from "punctilious overseer" to "veritable fibster", such was the revulsion stirred by his political heritage.
"Ladies and gentleman of the Conservative party", Cameron began, a cascade of sweat dripping down his reddened forehead. "I am here today to categorically refute any claims that I was consciously aware that my father was a member of the Labour party. I am, as I'm sure all of you are, horrified and ashamed. Horrified that I have led you with false pretence, ashamed that I share the same genes as my filthy socialist progenitor."
At this point it seemed his audience were beginning to relent in their initial anger- and then the game changed. Interrupting Cameron's impassioned speech came a man who trotted up to the Prime Minister with urgency, but maintained the gait of a true Conservative stalwart. As this portly man whispered into David Cameron's blazing ears, the supposed Labour-by-birth leader turned a ghastly shade of white, as though to mimic a cartoon ghost. Save for the colouring of his air, one could have mistaken the Prime Minister for a well-dressed albino as his red eyes appeared to confirm such a belief.
What David Cameron had heard was worse. Far worse.
"I'm sorry." His voice sputtered and stuttered, his tie a noose, the whispering man his executioner. "I have just been informed that the story revealing my father to be a Labour supporter was false." Gasps of relief were collectively exhaled by the audience. But that was not all.
"No," Cameron continued after a moment. "It appears the story was mistranslated; my father was, in fact..." Expectant eyes and ears waited for the end of the sentence. An eternity passed, it seemed.
"My father was... a labourer. From the North."
There it was. The bombshell. The expose. It has been claimed as many as five members of the Tories present fainted immediately, while one woman tried to kill herself by repeatedly slamming a copy of the 'Conservative Manifesto' against her head. An enraged male member shouted, "Your blood is tainted. Tainted I tell thee!" Cameron quickly rushed from the stage, his sweat replaced with a profuse gushing of tears.
The room descended into chaos; some adopted the foetal position- perhaps as an instinctual, maternal protectional response, or perhaps wishing they could return to pre-consciousness and avoid the atrocity that had befallen them; some cursed the heavens with expletives that had been removed from the English language, such was there crassness; some simply stared ahead with a look that would have induced the sympathy of even the most battle-hardened war veteran.
While the madness ensued amongst the Tories, various news outlets began to feed the new information that had rocked the party to its core. It was revealed that the anonymous tipster who had divulged the information about David Cameron's father had a difficult speech impediment that made comprehension of his words difficult, which resulted in the confusion of meaning.
As it turned out, Ian Donald Cameron was a labourer in a small, Northern town called Brumley, and was originally called just Ian Donald. A somewhat 'jack-of-all-trades' he would earn money repairing and building whatever was requested, whether fixing a door handle or constructing a shed, Ian was Brumley's go-to man. When not on the job, Ian frequented the local pub, 'The Fox's Cock', and was reportedly an enthusiastic, but amiable, drunkard, who would agree to jobs in the evening and forget them in the morning.
The Fox's Cock's landlord and owner, Bill Grundy, a childless widower, left all of his money to Ian Donald, a sum of five million pounds, the origins of which cannot be traced, although some believe he might have made his wealth whilst living in Germany working for the German Workers' Party in the 1930s. Taking Grundy's money and his advice, "Don't become a Jew", Ian Donald moved to the South of England, adopted Cameron as his surname and became a stockbroker.
David Cameron has expressed his belief that this might be an "elaborate lie manufactured by one of my political rivals" and that he will have his DNA tested for signs of being a proletariat.
How will this affect David Cameron's tenure as Prime Minister? Can he move on? A Tory leader the son of a Northern, labourer? This publication is thinking no.
The reason for his consternation? Five days ago the Daily Mirror, a Labour-supporting British newspaper, leaked the story that David Cameron's father, Ian Donald Cameron, was an active supporter of the Labour party and had donated substantial sums of money to the party's political cause. Though his father's political ideology wouldn't ordinarily have been too detrimental to Cameron's leadership of the Tories, it does of course contradict the Prime Minister's claim at the last election that "all my family have been Conservatives since the party was created; even before then they all probably shared Conservative values. My great-great uncle's memoirs were called 'Labour can suck it'.
So, as he stood to address his Tory peers, one could understand the sense of impending doom that was beginning to cloud over his reign as Prime Minister. Before the address, a Tory- who requested anonymity- said there was a feeling of "general disgust and betrayal" amongst the party and the general consensus of David Cameron had changed from "punctilious overseer" to "veritable fibster", such was the revulsion stirred by his political heritage.
"Ladies and gentleman of the Conservative party", Cameron began, a cascade of sweat dripping down his reddened forehead. "I am here today to categorically refute any claims that I was consciously aware that my father was a member of the Labour party. I am, as I'm sure all of you are, horrified and ashamed. Horrified that I have led you with false pretence, ashamed that I share the same genes as my filthy socialist progenitor."
At this point it seemed his audience were beginning to relent in their initial anger- and then the game changed. Interrupting Cameron's impassioned speech came a man who trotted up to the Prime Minister with urgency, but maintained the gait of a true Conservative stalwart. As this portly man whispered into David Cameron's blazing ears, the supposed Labour-by-birth leader turned a ghastly shade of white, as though to mimic a cartoon ghost. Save for the colouring of his air, one could have mistaken the Prime Minister for a well-dressed albino as his red eyes appeared to confirm such a belief.
What David Cameron had heard was worse. Far worse.
"I'm sorry." His voice sputtered and stuttered, his tie a noose, the whispering man his executioner. "I have just been informed that the story revealing my father to be a Labour supporter was false." Gasps of relief were collectively exhaled by the audience. But that was not all.
"No," Cameron continued after a moment. "It appears the story was mistranslated; my father was, in fact..." Expectant eyes and ears waited for the end of the sentence. An eternity passed, it seemed.
"My father was... a labourer. From the North."
There it was. The bombshell. The expose. It has been claimed as many as five members of the Tories present fainted immediately, while one woman tried to kill herself by repeatedly slamming a copy of the 'Conservative Manifesto' against her head. An enraged male member shouted, "Your blood is tainted. Tainted I tell thee!" Cameron quickly rushed from the stage, his sweat replaced with a profuse gushing of tears.
The room descended into chaos; some adopted the foetal position- perhaps as an instinctual, maternal protectional response, or perhaps wishing they could return to pre-consciousness and avoid the atrocity that had befallen them; some cursed the heavens with expletives that had been removed from the English language, such was there crassness; some simply stared ahead with a look that would have induced the sympathy of even the most battle-hardened war veteran.
While the madness ensued amongst the Tories, various news outlets began to feed the new information that had rocked the party to its core. It was revealed that the anonymous tipster who had divulged the information about David Cameron's father had a difficult speech impediment that made comprehension of his words difficult, which resulted in the confusion of meaning.
As it turned out, Ian Donald Cameron was a labourer in a small, Northern town called Brumley, and was originally called just Ian Donald. A somewhat 'jack-of-all-trades' he would earn money repairing and building whatever was requested, whether fixing a door handle or constructing a shed, Ian was Brumley's go-to man. When not on the job, Ian frequented the local pub, 'The Fox's Cock', and was reportedly an enthusiastic, but amiable, drunkard, who would agree to jobs in the evening and forget them in the morning.
The Fox's Cock's landlord and owner, Bill Grundy, a childless widower, left all of his money to Ian Donald, a sum of five million pounds, the origins of which cannot be traced, although some believe he might have made his wealth whilst living in Germany working for the German Workers' Party in the 1930s. Taking Grundy's money and his advice, "Don't become a Jew", Ian Donald moved to the South of England, adopted Cameron as his surname and became a stockbroker.
David Cameron has expressed his belief that this might be an "elaborate lie manufactured by one of my political rivals" and that he will have his DNA tested for signs of being a proletariat.
How will this affect David Cameron's tenure as Prime Minister? Can he move on? A Tory leader the son of a Northern, labourer? This publication is thinking no.
Oscar Pistorius reveals he's writing a book, 'Pistorius' Pissed Stories'
Disgraced athlete, Oscar Pistorius, has revealed that he is in the process of writing his debut book, 'Pistorius' Pissed Stories', a semi-autobiographical detailing of various tales that have occurred when pissed-up.
The Truth, the Whole Truth and nothing like the Truth was given an early preview of one of the book's chapters titled, 'The Lie-in, the Bitch and the Walk-in Wardrobe', an account of a night Pistorius had in Las Vegas which involved a 22-hour sleep (or possible alcohol-induced mini-coma) and a particularly annoying woman whom he had locked in his hotel room's walk-in wardrobe for the entire time. In an excerpt from the chapter he says he beat charges for false imprisonment "because the judge recognised that she was obviously an annoying bitch."
In Harold Bloom's early review, the famed critic writes that "Pistorius succeeds in creating a structured and taut prose that perfectly demonstrates the excesses of celebrity culture, the dangers of alcoholic consumption and how quickly Cristal can get a man completely shit-faced. While the material is not ground-breaking, and certainly doesn't match Megan Fox's acclaimed autobiographical effort, embedded within the work is also a social commentary detailing the ease in which celebrities can pick up women."
Since being charged with the murder of his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp, Oscar Pistorius' advisors believe he needs to rehabilitate his image with a different demographic, namely the alcoholic community, and see the forthcoming book achieving this aim.
A source close to Pistorius said, "Oscar and his people know he's never going to be considered a hero again- that's a given. But alcoholics are a forgiving bunch and understand you do crazy shit when you're pissed."
Some believe the chapter, "Reeva after a Bottle of Ether", will be Oscar Pistorius' attempt to blame the recreational consumption of ether as a nightcap for his psychotic episode which led to him shooting his girlfriend four times, mistaking her for an intruder was using his toilet without permission- a transgression he describes as "up there with murder". The majority of the chapter was redacted in the preview release.
'Pistorius' Pissed Stories' is slated for release June 2013. Pistorius' release will likely be 2033.
The Truth, the Whole Truth and nothing like the Truth was given an early preview of one of the book's chapters titled, 'The Lie-in, the Bitch and the Walk-in Wardrobe', an account of a night Pistorius had in Las Vegas which involved a 22-hour sleep (or possible alcohol-induced mini-coma) and a particularly annoying woman whom he had locked in his hotel room's walk-in wardrobe for the entire time. In an excerpt from the chapter he says he beat charges for false imprisonment "because the judge recognised that she was obviously an annoying bitch."
In Harold Bloom's early review, the famed critic writes that "Pistorius succeeds in creating a structured and taut prose that perfectly demonstrates the excesses of celebrity culture, the dangers of alcoholic consumption and how quickly Cristal can get a man completely shit-faced. While the material is not ground-breaking, and certainly doesn't match Megan Fox's acclaimed autobiographical effort, embedded within the work is also a social commentary detailing the ease in which celebrities can pick up women."
Since being charged with the murder of his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp, Oscar Pistorius' advisors believe he needs to rehabilitate his image with a different demographic, namely the alcoholic community, and see the forthcoming book achieving this aim.
A source close to Pistorius said, "Oscar and his people know he's never going to be considered a hero again- that's a given. But alcoholics are a forgiving bunch and understand you do crazy shit when you're pissed."
Some believe the chapter, "Reeva after a Bottle of Ether", will be Oscar Pistorius' attempt to blame the recreational consumption of ether as a nightcap for his psychotic episode which led to him shooting his girlfriend four times, mistaking her for an intruder was using his toilet without permission- a transgression he describes as "up there with murder". The majority of the chapter was redacted in the preview release.
'Pistorius' Pissed Stories' is slated for release June 2013. Pistorius' release will likely be 2033.
Billy Bob Thornton announces, "I am not gay."
In a shocking turn of events, famous actor Billy Bob Thornton has released a public statement declaring his heterosexual leaning.
"Hey, I'm not gay," Thornton stated in an impromptu press conference. "I can assure the world that I am 95% not gay. Yes, I auditioned for Brokeback Mountain, and I might have smacked my dog when I didn't get the part, but that's only because I wanted another goddamn Oscar nomination."
The announcement has turned the entertainment industry on is head. Global media publications haven't been this overwhelmed since Michael Jackson revealed he was born to an Oklahoman Japanese family who named him Micky Jack-san, and that he had undergone two skin pigmentation changes because "chameleons adapt, and I [Jackson] love nature."
Soon after Thornton's admission ex-wife Angelina Jolie issued a response via her PA, Brad Pitt. Pitt relayed Jolie's feelings: "I knew it. I always had a suspicion, like when we got married. And when he suggested we wear each other's blood around our necks, I remember thinking that was a pretty straight-guy thing to ask."
The Oscar-winner understood the precarious implications of his outing, especially in Hollywood, but confidently assured listening reporters he doesn't "give a flying pig shit."
When asked if he would ever consider a homosexual relationship, Thornton replied, "No. Listen, I can't help my sexuality, I was born this way. This isn't a choice. Xenu, blessed be he, made me straight and I will respect that until I die."
Across the various social networking sites, there was a mixed response from Billy Bob Thornton's celebrity peers. Britney Spears, on Twitter, said, "OMG. This is totes crazee. Soooo brave from BBT. #godlovesyou".
Meanwhile, renowned anti-straight campaigner, couldn't help but detail his anger on his blog, 'God Hates Straights'. "This Billy Bob Thornton is sure to feel God's unsparing wrath in light of this despicable declaration," Phelps wrote, literally thirty seconds after the announcement. "I will pray on his cursed, vagina-loving, Eve-worshipping soul, in the hope that he may realise the sickness that is his deviance. A picketing event will be held at this wrongdoer's house tomorrow at 3p.m., followed by lunch at Hooter's."
So, what do you think?* Has Billy Bob done the right thing, or has he effectively signed the death certificate of his career?
*There is no comment section, so just keep it to yourself, kay?
"Hey, I'm not gay," Thornton stated in an impromptu press conference. "I can assure the world that I am 95% not gay. Yes, I auditioned for Brokeback Mountain, and I might have smacked my dog when I didn't get the part, but that's only because I wanted another goddamn Oscar nomination."
The announcement has turned the entertainment industry on is head. Global media publications haven't been this overwhelmed since Michael Jackson revealed he was born to an Oklahoman Japanese family who named him Micky Jack-san, and that he had undergone two skin pigmentation changes because "chameleons adapt, and I [Jackson] love nature."
Soon after Thornton's admission ex-wife Angelina Jolie issued a response via her PA, Brad Pitt. Pitt relayed Jolie's feelings: "I knew it. I always had a suspicion, like when we got married. And when he suggested we wear each other's blood around our necks, I remember thinking that was a pretty straight-guy thing to ask."
The Oscar-winner understood the precarious implications of his outing, especially in Hollywood, but confidently assured listening reporters he doesn't "give a flying pig shit."
When asked if he would ever consider a homosexual relationship, Thornton replied, "No. Listen, I can't help my sexuality, I was born this way. This isn't a choice. Xenu, blessed be he, made me straight and I will respect that until I die."
Across the various social networking sites, there was a mixed response from Billy Bob Thornton's celebrity peers. Britney Spears, on Twitter, said, "OMG. This is totes crazee. Soooo brave from BBT. #godlovesyou".
Meanwhile, renowned anti-straight campaigner, couldn't help but detail his anger on his blog, 'God Hates Straights'. "This Billy Bob Thornton is sure to feel God's unsparing wrath in light of this despicable declaration," Phelps wrote, literally thirty seconds after the announcement. "I will pray on his cursed, vagina-loving, Eve-worshipping soul, in the hope that he may realise the sickness that is his deviance. A picketing event will be held at this wrongdoer's house tomorrow at 3p.m., followed by lunch at Hooter's."
So, what do you think?* Has Billy Bob done the right thing, or has he effectively signed the death certificate of his career?
*There is no comment section, so just keep it to yourself, kay?
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