Sunday, 11 August 2019

Game of Thrones - was it real?

A scientist from Chicago University has claimed that Game of Thrones is not real.

He qualified the statement by saying that the TV show has no historical basis, however the books' historicity has yet to be disproved.

Pr. Samuel Aker, who has taught at Chicago University for twenty years, said, after nearly ten years of research, he could not find any corroborative evidence that Game of Thrones as shown by HBO had any historical basis.

"The dragons - they made me start questioning," he stated. "But I wasn't sure."

His research took him to the extremes of the East Cost and the wilds of the West Coast.

When asked whether he had done enough research to conclusively disprove the events of Game of Thrones, he said, "I've travelled across the U.S. Trust me, I've done the work. Lannister? No record. Stark? A few, none of them had traces to an ancient people."

Sunday, 11 May 2014

Liverpool MP asks Parliament ban the use of the word 'slip'

After Steven Gerrard, the exalted hero of Merseyside, slipped at the worse possible moment in his side's tie against Chelsea - a slip that resulted in a loss and has possibly cost Liverpool the chance of winning their first PL title - the Parliamentary representative of Liverpool has asked for a nationwide banning of the word 'slip'.

Jonjay Steve, YNWA (an honorary titled bestowed to him by the mayor of Liverpool) proposed a bill today that outlaws the use of the word 'slip' "in any context, whether conducive to context or not."

Speaking outside Anfield, Jonjay expressed his disgust towards the use of the word 'slip' that had gone viral across social media outlets.

"It's outrageous, la. Our Stevie is a victim, he's being f***ing victimised by those Manc[sic] bastards. He's a stallion, the Achilles of 'Pool, trying to save his love that is Liverpool football club, amid the carnage and desperation of modern day football.

"I want anybody using the word 'slip' to be locked up and fined. The prisons around here are a bit full, like, but a hefty fine will do me. A good £500 fine would be boss, if it stops these vile detritus of humans from hurting our Gerrard. And to you t***s out there, just like the phoenix, the Liverbird will rise, la. Stevie will rise and his flame will outdo the sun, and his glory will shine for all to see. F***in' Fergie!"

A petition has been submitted on change.org to help aid Mr. Steve's proposal. Despite only being submitted yesterday, the petition has been signed by 854,124 people.

A petition requesting Mr. Alex Ferguson be investigated for pitch tampering has also been put forward. It has received 854,124 signatures.

Man tells wife: "I don't care about your baby!"

Timothy Spinder of New York filed for divorce from his wife on the basis of "annoying parenting".

Timothy, who married Sally Spinder, nee Bingham, in 2006, cited his wife's constant imposing of their child upon him as the primary cause of his reasons for divorce.

"It's just so annoying. Nobody likes an overbearing parent, and having to put up with it everyday was such a pain in the ass. 'Aww, look, she said her first word', 'I think she needs her diaper changing', 'she just walked!' - get over it! Parents nowadays are so pushy, and they like to push it onto other people. Well, I grew tired of that bullshit."

Mrs. Spender was unavailable to comment, but she is said to be in a state of absolute shock. It is thought that she did try to involve her husband in her child's life, but only because she believes in the value of a present father figure.

Mr. Spender, meanwhile, was less receptive to her claims.

"It's the hypocrisy that gets me. Really gets on my jugs. Whenever we go out with friends and they tell us about their kids' achievement she finds it tiresome - so why should I be any different! When I come home from work, I want to drink a beer and play some darts not hear about such trivial shit as what my daughter did today."

Mr. Spender has stated his intention to fight for full custody.

"I can make you poor" - Guru Givmee

Guru Givmee, a self-professed "pan-ethnic" person, has offered a helping hand to celebrities, magnates, entrepreneurs, rich kids and anybody else who has a shit-ton of money, who feel they "have too much money."

Offering a course in his studio apartment in the Bronx, Guru Givmee - real name, Tony McFadden - is welcoming rich people of all denominations and means to attend, whereby he will reveal to them the secret of becoming poor.

"I can't give too much away, obviously," the Guru said, "but it involves a lot of meditation, your chequebook and a signature."

When asked why rich people would want to become poor, the enigmatic Guru responded that being poor was like "being a rabid animal, and therefore part of Nature herself. To struggle for food, shelter and security is how animals throughout history have done it. That's something that money can't buy."

In his white gown and with his illustrious beard, Givmee fits the role of Guru perfectly and President Obama is said to be a fan.

"Oh yeah, Obama. I've never met him personally, but I've felt him. Spiritually. He digs me, that's for sure."

Jay-Z to take Beyonce's surname

It has often been considered the height of emasculation, but Jay-Z - one of the baddest homies in the hip hop - is subverting common gender roles and will now be legally known as Shaun Knowles.

In a candid statement Hov' said the shock was silly and old-fashioned.

"I'm trying to eschew the contrivances of modern-day society, a society that imposes a set of values that are intrinsically meaningless. Surnames have no value; a wife accepting her husband's name acts simply to satiate the hubris of males. In my eyes it is a form of emotional ownership. I'm aiming to eradicate an outmoded belief that is too readily accepted in the societal consciousness, with the ultimate hope that I can end the subjugation of females from the tyranny of surname-enforcement. First names, surnames; we're all just minds within flesh, ideas with bones. We should not be bound by tradition - it is in our nature to evolve and adapt. With the death of one thing, comes the birth of something sometimes greater, something transcendent."

Jay-Z also moved to copyright the surname Knowles, '-Z' suffixes and Hova.

Tupac is a-live!

That's right. Italian businessman and rap aficionado, Enzo Contriguellarini, has confirmed that Tupac will be "a-live" this summer.

"We a-going to play Tupac's music a-live to an audience in Rome. It will be a-awesome."

Cool.

Celebrities are ... people?!

In a remarkable study published this month in the journal, Nature, a group of researchers have claimed that celebrities are in fact human beings.

The research took place at CalTech, and is said to have taken over two years to conduct.

Head of research, Dr. Charles van Brandt, said the findings were astonishing. "It was incredible, really. We were just doing the study to make the university think we were actually doing something productive. There's only so much us scientists can do, you know. Give us a break. But yeah, turns out celebrities: human."

The laborious process of studying celebrities included analysing nipslips, upskirts and sex tapes.

A junior researcher expressed his initial dubiousness of the study. "A lot of people thought we were crazy and just wanted an excuse to go on Mr. Skin all day. And you know what, I thought the same!"

It has been a mystery that has puzzled the ordinary citizenry for decades, if not centuries - that public figures may actually be of the same species had been posited before, but was largely discredited after repeated celebrity sagas indicated they were crazy, irrational and egomaniacal beings, disjointed and specially different from typical homo sapiens.

The new findings have yet to be validated and the senior editor of Nature has condemned the study as being "improper and scientifically inaccurate. Celebs are shitting weird."

One celebrity, who conferred to us on the basis of anonymity, said: "No, I am not homo sapien. I ain't homo nothing. I'm a God-fearing Christian for God's sake. God dammit. Why in hell would you ask me such a question?"

The truth is out there.